In the Middle of His Story

Our Church recently celebrated its 25^th anniversary and instead of a sermon my father shared the story of what the church has meant to our family.

In 1994 my parents walked into Christ Our Shepherd Church. My mother was battling cancer, my brother and I were in preschool, and they had just moved to the area to be closer to family and better medical care. They didn’t have time to look around at various churches so they just picked COSC and decided to go with it.

Over the next few years this church walked with my dad as he lost his wife, raised two children on his own, welcomed a new mom to our family, and added three more beautiful kids. My dad went from bookkeeping so he’d be finished in time to get us from the bus to now being the pastor.

It’s been an incredible journey that brought our entire family through dark places to times of rejoicing and I can honestly say none of us would be the people we are today if it were not for the love and support of our church. A church my parents walked into one random Sunday became the backbone that sustained us through the years that were to come.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in life that we forget who is writing our story.

This story serves as a constant reminder to me that God is writing our story.

I am reminded time and time again when I go on home visits and see kids I thought had little or no future happy and healthy with their families. When I think of the person I was two years ago before landing in this country and the person I am now.

When I lay awake at night worrying about children’s cases that seem hopeless to me I have to remember that God is writing their story too. When Kelsey and I worry about fundraising for Abide and the perfect future we’ve envisioned in our heads coming to a crashing end.

He is writing our stories.

It has becoming the resounding promise playing in my head, offering hope when I step into these dark places.

That woman left with eleven children to care for… He’s writing her story. That child in and out of orphanages… He’s writing his story. That beautiful little girl laughing in her grandma’s arms… He’s writing her story. The child whose future has more questions than answers… He’s writing her story.

And He only writes beautiful stories. Beautiful stories that bring Him glory.

What joy it is to be in the middle of His story.

If you haven't already you have to check out our brand new website!

www.abidefamilycenter.org

And as you're checking it out in all its awesomeness you'll notice we have a blog on the website (cool huh?) so from here on out all blog posts that are specifically ministry focused will be on there. We'll post links to these blog posts on our Abide facebook and twitter page. 

So this blog is back to being my personal blog where i'll post all my ramblings as I process this crazy life I get to live. Kelsey is thinking about getting a personal blog as well and if she does I will definitely link to it.

If you want to get notifications when this blog is updated you can subscribe. If you're not tech savy enough to figure that all out (like me) you can shoot me an email (megster16@gmail.com) and i'll send you a notice in your inbox every time I update the blog. 

T-minus five days until i'm back in Uganda!

An Open Letter to Kony2012 Participants

Dear Invisible Children supporter,

I hope you will hear us out.  I want to start off by saying that we are not blindly criticizing your efforts and we know that you love and care about the Ugandan people just like we do.  The human connection can be a wonderful thing, but only if we are willing to listen- and I mean really listen.  In fact, that’s why we are writing to you, we hope that it is because you care so much, you would be willing to think through some of this and thoughtfully reconsider plastering the face and name of a vicious warlord throughout our city.

I’m sorry you’ve had to spend so much time defending criticisms that just aren’t true- We know that you are aware that the conflict moved out of Uganda in 2006 and that Kony has moved into Central Africa.  We know that you understand that this conflict is complex.  We know that you favor a peaceful resolution over the use of military- we know that you see this as an option of last resort.  We know that Invisible Children does work on the ground- we are familiar with the Schools for Schools program, the LRA Crisis Tracker, etc.  So if you’re still with us, that is not what we will be addressing in this letter.

We believe that you mean well, and truly want to see Joseph Kony brought to justice and the LRA disarmed.  We believe that this event is full of young people who desire peace and restoration in a region that has experienced the terror of this rebel group for more than 26 years.  But maybe our place is partnering, not paving the way- If we are going to help, listening is critical, and abandoning our entitlement to solving Africa's problems and telling Africa's story is key.

The central and most important issue with the approach to Kony 2012 and Cover the Night- How the people the film is about feel.  If you think otherwise, you should probably reconsider your advocacy for this issue all together. No seriously.

The reactions to screenings of the film in Northern Uganda were extremely negative for the most part.  Many Ugandans are deeply troubled by the campaign- among many strong emotions and reactions; a common theme seems to be that Ugandans feel exploited by Kony 2012. Exploited?  Man, when we tell someone else’s story, if they feel exploited we should probably reconsider the way we are telling it.

Our stand against Cover the Night, therefore, is not in light of our own personal opinions or qualms with Invisible Children- It is in honor of Ugandan friends, who are more like family.  Because we feel it is most important that their voices are heard.  While we may feel so deeply connected to the pain and suffering so many have experienced as a result of Kony and his rebel army, our entitlement to the commodification of a warlord's name is a result of it becoming "our cause" instead of realizing it is their cause and has been since before we were born. It seems we have decided that we don't really care if this is approach upsets Ugandans; we're getting the job done right- or are we?

I beg you to reconsider.  I beg you to try and realize the insensitivity of plastering the face and name of Kony in public spaces.  His name is one, that for many, is still hard to speak.  It carries with it pain and terrible memories of living in fear.   A survivor of LRA attacks responds to Kony 2012:  "If people in those countries care about us, they will not wear t-shirts with pictures of Joseph Kony for any reason.  That would celebrate our suffering".  So maybe the way we are going about this is not okay.  Maybe there is another, more effective and appropriate way of coming alongside Ugandans, Congolese, Sudanese, and others of this region to show our support in bringing Kony to justice.

With the start of the campaign coming 6 months after U.S. troops had been deployed and literally no concrete evidence that the U.S. troops will be pulled out if you fail to plaster Joseph Kony’s face and name throughout your respective city- One must question the timing and purpose of this event and campaign in general.  The troops were already working with the UPDF and now other military forces in the region.  Hanging up signs, watching a video, and wearing a t-shirt will unfortunately not aid in Kony’s capture- so if some of these actions are viewed as insensitive and exploitative, maybe they should not be a part of our advocacy.

What we suggest instead- Think before you do

Knowledge and critical thinking are wonderful things.  So is acknowledging our ignorance about this conflict- it allows us to place the focus and attention on efforts being made by Africans to bring peace to the region.  To listen and hear how they believe this should be done, and to respond accordingly.  It is very clear that the approach Invisible Children has taken largely fails to do this.  So, we are going to provide a few resources to get you started. 

Two important resources: www.ugandaspeaks.com & www.makingsenseofkony.org

Both sites have compiled research, writings, videos, etc. on the problems with Kony 2012 and a way forward.  Acknowledging that opening up respectful dialogue between all parties is key in appropriate and effective activism.

This is not to discourage you from being involved, just asking that you reconsider the approach.

Best,

Kelsey Nielsen

Let's Talk About STMs

A while back the internet blog world exploded with talk about the effectiveness of short terms mission's trips (STMs). For spring break this year I went on a short term service trip through my university to inner city Philadelphia. I will shamefully admit I mostly did it for the credit and I was nervous about how my new found thoughts on short term trips would play out. As part of our follow up assignment I wrote a fictional letter from a community member to our group that I hope highlights some of my thoughts on short term trips.

Dear volunteers,

I can tell you are here because you want to help. I can see that this is not a fun spring break trip for you- no one is forcing you to be here or rewarding you if you do well. I can tell you care. There is something to be said for knowing that people care enough to get on a bus and drive three hours to be with us for a week. It tells us that we are noticed and that our community and all its challenges are not being ignored by the rest of America. But I do have to stop and wonder whether you care about us or whether you care about the idea of us. Did you get on that bus for this week to help poor inner city kids or did you get on that bus to meet new people and learn and grow from them? Are you here for the individual or the collective group? Are you leaving your stereotypes and preconceived notions at the door or hauling them along with you as you serve?

The truth is, while admirable; your work here is not going to change anything. Sometimes we are left wondering whether these trips are about us at all. Are we merely tools in a journey for you to find yourself, earn a credit, and feel good about how you spent your spring break? The kids you tutored you just left behind. The trash you picked up is already back on the streets. The walkway you built could have been done by community members who actually knew what they were doing and needed jobs. I do not mean to sound ungrateful, because we truly did enjoy visiting with you and could tell you genuinely desired to serve us, but I did sense a bit of naïve about the effect of your service. In trips such as these there seems to be a lack of evaluation of the long term effects and sometimes I cannot help wondering whether the money spent to bring you all here could have been put to better use.

I guess I am left with the hope that meeting us and working with and for us did bring about lasting change in you. Perhaps you will tutor children in your own neighborhood now, perhaps your mind was opened and you feel you better understand others in similar circumstances now. Maybe one day you will grow up to do inner-city work full time. As a member of this community, I would be glad to have been a part of helping you grow in these ways. I hope you were able to learn from us and that you let yourself come away from the idea that you were only there to serve and teach us. True learning and community is only built when the serving goes both ways.

That is where the beauty in this arrangement is found. When we are able to put aside the idea that you are rich and I am poor, you are educated and I am not, you are white and I am black, you are suburbian and I am urban. When we take all those differences and still find a safe place to find what we have in common. When both you and I have our eyes opened to the fact that we are really not that different after all. You might learn that I graduated school with straight As and I might learn that you grew up as a minority in your community. With those revelations we accomplish what would never have been accomplished before, we break down stereotypes and preconceived ideas and we form an unlikely, although brief, community. That is the ultimate, and my hope is that is what we can accomplish through these trips and experiences. 

Sincerely,

Community Member

Let us know your thoughts! How do we do STMs well? How do we avoid the dreaded "savior mentality"? Have you been on a STM trip? Do you find them beneficial?

We Finally Make a Decision About How We Feel About the Kony2012 Campaign

We think Jason Russell deserves grace and love and prayer. I (Megan) am sorry for how I first reacted to the news, thinking it was a drunken escapade when it turned out to be a psychotic break. The hate directed at him from the online world is sickening.

We think we need to listen to the Ugandan people as we decide how to respond to the Kony2012 campaign. Joseph Kony has affected Sudan, DRC, and CAR, but the Ugandan people have suffered the most and if they believe they are being exploited we need to listen. Please watch this film. It completely changed my (Megan) view on the campaign. I no longer support it at all. And I had to admit Kelsey was right all along J

We believe about 70% of the criticism towards Invisible Children floating around is not justified. But the 30% that is is cause for real concern. Do you research and check your sources.

We believe Joseph Kony needs to be brought to justice and that the killing and kidnapping needs to stop. We don’t believe a t-shirt or a 30 minute video or a bracelet or a poster will accomplish that.

We believe the people at Invisible Children are honest people who believe they are doing good work. When criticizing them we need to be respectful and kind.

We believe a God bigger than ourselves and Joseph Kony holds the world in the palm of His hand. We believe He is a God of justice and we pray for justice for Joseph Kony and healing for all those he has hurt.

I am one of the fatherless.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy dwelling place - Psalm 68:5

We don't usually get personal on this blog, we stick to 'business' I guess you could say. I've been praying about this post the last few days- because Abide is not about Megan or I and our stories. It is about the God we serve and what He is going to do in the lives of families in Uganda. Redemption. Restoration. Beauty from the ashes. That is the God we serve. Humbled by our limitations and thankful we get to see Him show up in big ways for Uganda's poorest and most marginalized. But I feel it important to at least shed some light on why I believe so strongly in Abide and fighting for families to be kept together.

Megan and myself are both 'orphans'. Some of you already know this, some of you may not. We are both half orphans by definition. Megan's Mother died when she was 5 and my Dad died when I was 14. This will be the only time I speak for Megan and myself in this post- Having lost a parent, we understand what that absence feels like. There was and always will be one very important person missing at every significant milestone- College graduation, wedding days, and the birth of grandchildren. We did not however, experience the reality of our family being ripped apart after we were 'orphaned'. Our families stayed together because they were given the chance to. Had we grown up in Uganda, our stories might have looked quite different.

We fight because we believe when God required us to love the orphan and the widow, that He did not mean we should take the orphan away from the widow without first offering to come alongside her so that she might get the chance to keep her child.

When my Dad died people were cooking meals for us non-stop, our house was consistently full of people who loved us in the days and weeks following. Soon enough our house emptied and we were finally left to grieve and try to understand the ugly reality of my Dad's life ending here on earth. Not ugly for him, but pretty stinkin' ugly for us. While money could be no compensation for his passing, we were very blessed to receive life insurance and social security. We also benefited from free school lunches and CHIP/medicaid. As a single Mother with 4 kids, my Mom would have had an extremely difficult time making ends meet without insurance and government assistance.

This month, March 19th to be exact, is the anniversary of my Father's death. He passed away suddenly of a periodic embolism {a blood clot that traveled from his legs to his lungs after having surgery}. As many memories fade, what his life and death taught me have only been strengthened through living and working in Uganda. I believe in a God who has perfect plans. A God who works for the good of those who love Him. And sometimes {okay A LOT of the time} He works really ugly things into really good things. The perfect example of Jesus on the cross. The messy example of me- a sinner, saved by grace.

Why am I writing this? You can not understand my heart for Abide without also understanding that I, as a half-orphan, was given the chance to stay with my Mom. To be raised in my family. This is something I believe every child and family has the right to. Regardless of where you are born, I believe you deserve the chance to grow up in the family God decided to place you with first. No, I know, this is not always possible. Sometimes parents and extended families want nothing to do with their child. But may we not make the mistake in assuming that because a child is abandoned or placed in an orphanage that it MUST mean they are unloved. That we offer family strengthening as an OPTION before removal. As the church, may we begin loving the orphan so much so, that we work with urgency to help keep them in their families.

-Kelsey

The Village Model: Can it Replace a Family?

A new model for orphan care that is growing in popularity across the African continent is called the village model. This approach seeks to reduce the negative effects of institutional care by having one consistent caregiver care for 8-12 children of varying ages in a home like environment. Typically a number of huts or small homes are built on a compound with the “mother” and the children each having their own. The school, clinic, and main offices are nearby so a stronger community feel is produced within the context of these smaller homes.

The model is a good one and one we believe certainly reduces some of the negative effects of the traditional institutional care. However we believe it is detrimental to believe this model is good enough to provide for children as a long term solution. We do not believe the “family” created is able to give the children all that a real family could. Here are some issues we have with the Village Model.

1. The women who are hired to be the mother’s in the home have a conflict between caring for their own children and the children they have been hired to care for. Some models force the women to leave their biological children behind with family members. We believe it is hypocritical to break apart a family in order to try and create a new one. Other models allow the women to take their biological children into the home with them. With this you can have a real issue with the mother favoring her biological children. She has not made a sacrificial decision to care for these orphans; she is being hired to do it. While I would imagine many of these mothers love these children I do not believe doing a job is going to produce the same kind of nurture that caring for one’s child would.

2. The ratio of caregiver to children is not what it would typically be in a home. The best of these models has a ratio of 1:8 and the worst 1:12. It is very difficult to give that many children the love and attention they deserve or that they would receive in a traditional family.

3. There is very little male influence. Nearly always a widow is hired to lead the home so the children are not given a father figure. The importance of a father figure is a whole other topic for another day but we believe that fathers are important and that, when possible, children should have the chance to have them. Unlike a single mother household these children rarely leave the compound so they are not given the opportunity to even form relationships with uncles, grandfathers, or male family friends.

4. The children are not exposed to the world. Usually the clinic and school are on the same compound so children can go their entire lives without leaving that environment. In a typical family a child has gone to market with their mother, ridden the bus with their father, and bargained for household supplies with an older brother. Children in this environment are never given the opportunity to learn these life skills that they will need to lead healthy and productive lives.

5. It is hard to oversee the women in the homes. In a traditional orphanage the children and workers are grouped together in the same living environment so an abusive or neglectful worker will be easier to identify and deal with. In the village model the only people there to witness abuse are the children themselves and they are much less likely to speak out.

6. Infants are often not included in this model. Typically infants are given the more traditional orphanage care and then placed in the village model when they are around two years of age. Please see this post where we discuss the dangers of institutional care. In their early years the infants are not given a consistent care giver to attach to or given as stimulating an environment as a family could. Developmental psychologists agree that the first two years of life are crucial for our development as healthy human beings. Instead these models provide the children less consistent care when they are infants, setting them up for possible future mental health issues.

7. When they age out they have no family to return to. The best of these models pay for university and help place the children in a job but where do these children go for Christmas dinner? In traditional African society family ties are everything- they are how you get jobs and promotions and who you rely on when you hit a rough patch. Without this, these children are already at a real disadvantage before they even set out in life.

So while we think this model is better than traditional orphanage care we do not believe it should ever replace a family. If a child has the opportunity to be re-unified with biological family members or adopted into a new family they absolutely should. No matter how great the village model is a real family will always be able to provide better for a child. Village models that prevent children from being adopted because they believe they can provide as good or better care than a family are greatly mistaken. We believe this is a dangerous way to approach orphan care and is doing great harm to children. Children belong in families!

This is not meant to be critical, but we truly believe that as Christians caring for orphans and widows, we should do so to the best of our ability. That yes, there are millions of orphans and other vulnerable children that we are called to serve. However, we must examine where funds are to be directed and how to best serve these children and families with relevant and culturally appropriate models.