But the truth is I love every minute of these "sacrifices".
I LOVE Uganda... being there is like being home. When i'm there I feel like everything was made for me... like God created me to be there and every strange weird thing about myself suddenly becomes my strengths. The experiences i've had in my life all seem to have been pointing to this very moment and this very country. My soul is at peace and is saturated in joy. And although the hard is so very hard the good is so very very good- and it cancels out the bad every time.
So do I get the luxury of believing i've got it all figured out? I know my calling i'm following God. Look at my i'm being radical like David Platt said, i'm loving like crazy like Francis Chan wants me to. I'm following God's call on my life- aren't I so obedient? Five gold Jesus stars for me.
The last few weeks i've been really struggling with these thoughts. Am I really following Jesus? Am I following his call on my life or am I just doing what I really want to do? I do truly believe God has called me to Uganda but I wonder if I didn't want to go would I still go? I'm starting to realize i'm not chasing after God with my whole heart because my motivation isn't really him.
I justified my calling by my joy. I concluded because Uganda felt so right and I felt so happy it must be God' will for me. What a completely ridiculously idea. Did Jonah want to go to Ninevah? Did Mary want to a pregnant teenager? Did Abraham want to leave the only home he knew? The truth is none of this is about me. It's all about God.
If my motivation truly was God I would find him here in America too. If my focus was Jesus I would be able to find just as much joy here as in Uganda. I would learn to be content in all situations, as long as I had Him by my side.
So i've been asking myself the "what ifs"
What if God said no Uganda? What is He said wait a few more years? What is he said there wasn't a husband coming? What if he said I wouldn't be a mother?
Would I still follow him to the hard places? The places I don't want to go. Would I trust there are rewards there too?
Because this whole radically loving God thing has nothing to do with what great things we accomplish but everything to do with obeying God. Even if that means being completely ordinary. Even if that means a quiet life in a dead end job. Even if it means just being an amazing stay at home mom.
Because I don't think missionaries in Africa are as radical as them. The Christians who get no recognition. The one's whose accomplishments aren't viewed as such here on earth. The one's who just follow blindly where God leads, even when there is no earthly glory.
You are my heroes. I want to learn from you, I want to be like you. And I have a feeling in heaven you'll be the one's everyone's patting on the back.