Unqualified

In bible study someone says, “I think God chooses to use those that are not qualified to do his work in order that his glory will shine even brighter.” We all nod in unison. So very very true.

I sit in a hospital in Africa and question a Ugandan nurse about kidney transplants. Next to me is a father who has put all his hope for his son’s life in me and Kelsey’s hands. He sits quietly with his arms around his son, looking at me expectantly, as I struggle to find the right questions to ask and the right words of comfort to give.

I am 19 years old with one year of college under my belt. I have spent a total of five months and two weeks in this country. I am so not qualified to be in this place. To be sitting in this hospital handing over the file for a dying child and trying to find a way to save his life. As the nurse looks over his file I can’t help but wonder- how in the world did I get here?

How did I become a sorta-maybe-kinda- mother to a 15 month old? When did I become the girl a father trusts his son’s life with? Who decided I was smart enough to make judgments about whether a child’s home is healthy and safe? What was God thinking when he brought me here?

I am not particularly adventurous- I was never the girl who jumped at every chance she got to do something new and exciting. And yet somehow I ended up hopping on bodas that weave in and out of crazy traffic and bargaining prices in a foreign market. I was never good at roughing it- I liked air conditioning and a warm shower every day. And yet somehow I live in Africa where it’s hot and there are bugs and I’m always covered in dirt.

I am not qualified for this life. I have a feeling that even if I read all the books and found the exact perfect major and spent years listening to more qualified people I would still never feel like I knew what I was doing.

But you know what? That’s just the way I like it. When I feel inadequate each and every day I have no other choice but to lean on Jesus and when once in a while I actually accomplish something I have no one else to praise but my God.

I hope I never feel qualified for this life.